


I Hear That Relatioships Take Effort

by tigerlily18



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 13:37:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11209182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlily18/pseuds/tigerlily18
Summary: After the body swap of 2x12, Magnus needs to heal, and Alec needs to learn how to be there for his boyfriend. Through communication and patience, they face yet another obstacle in their relationship.





	I Hear That Relatioships Take Effort

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic ever and I couldn't help writing something after that devastating episode.
> 
> I wouldn't call it a happy ending per se because their journey is far from over at the end of the fic, but it's also not a sad ending, mostly a step in the right direction and, above it all, an ending filled with hope.
> 
> Hope you like it :)

The New York morning light crossed the curtains of Magnus' loft, landing directly on Alec's face, waking him up slowly. It took him a moment to realise where he was and as soon as he did, everything came tumbling down in his mind. For just a split second he had forgotten everything that had happen in the last twenty four hours or so. But as the sleep started slipping away it was impossible not to remember. He opened his eyes, taking in Magnus' living room and turning around in the sofa where he slept. He stood up and walked to the kitchen to make some coffee.

He hadn't slept much, passing out on the couch out of exhaustion and the inability to look at the remaining space without picturing the wrong memories and making himself sick.

Both he and Magnus had agreed that they felt safer with Alec sleeping in the loft, even though Alec had said that he could leave if Magnus felt more comfortable that way. Ultimately, even though Magnus wanted to be left alone and not engage with Alec for the most part the need to have someone there when he had spent one of his worst nights alone, locked up in the Institute, had won. Besides, despite Alec's eagerness to fix things Magnus knew that he would respect his boundaries and would try his best to make him feel as comfortable as he could.

Alec sipped his coffee, trying to detect whether Magnus was still asleep, wondering if he'd even gotten to sleep at all. Alec had spent most of the night cleaning the living room, getting rid of all the signs of what had happened last night. When that was done, and seeing that he wouldn't really be able to sleep and that there wasn't much else to do, he started to actually clean the loft (or at least what he could without making much of a mess or disturbing Magnus). Since he couldn't be off somewhere shooting his arrows at the sky, he had to blow off steam somehow. At least he could be of some use while doing it.

He looked at his phone to check the time. Soon he would have to be back at the Institute, an idea that was only attractive because it gave him the opportunity to be distracted and useful. With that last thought in mind, Alec started looking around the kitchen to check for food. In the fridge, he finds eggs and butter, in the pantry some flour and maple syrup, and decides that there's no situation that could be made worst with pancakes. He looks around for some utensils, remembering vaguely where some of the stuff is from that time that he and Magnus had tried to cook dinner together because Alec had thought that it was romantic and slightly sexy, only to set himself for failure by choosing a recipe that was too challenging for them. Ultimately, they decided to order some pizza and to never get themselves in a culinary adventure that involved that much preparation. Alec smiled at the memory while he mixed the pancake batter. At least this was something that he knew that he had zero chances of failing at.

There's some ruffling in the direction of Magnus' bedroom and Alec worries that he's made too much noise while reaching for the pan. He puts it on the stove and waits for it to heat while he sets the kitchen table for one person. He knows that Magnus probably won't get up in time for them to eat together and as much as he would like to see him before heading out to work, he’d much rather he'd rest. He makes the pancakes quickly and sets them on the plate. He looks at the time again and decides that he still has time to make some natural orange juice before picking up his jacket and going to the Institute. He didn't leave, however, without making sure that the kitchen was clean and writing a note that he left on the table next to the pancakes. Before opening the door, he looked intensely at Magnus' bedroom as if that could make things better somehow. He knew it couldn't, so for now pancakes would have to suffice.

The note read:

"Dear Magnus,

I hope you slept well or at least got some rest. I had to get back to the Institute so unfortunately, I won't be able to share those (hopefully) delicious pancakes with you. If you need anything don't hesitate to call me. If you want me to sleep here tonight tell me. If not I won't. Whatever makes you feel better.

Hope you use the rest of the day to get some rest.

I love you.

Alec"

\------

Magnus heard the door of his apartment close. He had also heard the rumbling in the kitchen, the ignition of the stove and Alec's hesitation at the door.

He felt simultaneously lighter and heavier with his departure. For one thing, he didn't have to put his guard up with no one else in the apartment. For another, he didn't like the feeling of being alone, reminding him too much of the cell where he had spent the previous night. He quickly realised that he only wanted Alec at arm’s length, ready to catch him if he faltered but not close enough to touch him right away. He felt slightly selfish for that thought, but if there was a time to be selfish, right now seemed like the perfect time.

He pondered over the idea of spending the rest of the day in bed, wallowing in self-pity and just being shut down from the rest of the universe. As appealing as the thought of doing virtually nothing was, he realised that spending the day in a dark corner of his room where his imagination could run free wasn't the best thing for his mental health. So, now, with the house just for himself, he got up slowly, using his magic to open up the curtains, relishing the familiar way that his magic coursed through him even just for the most mundane task. It felt good, that surge of power and control and it made him feel grounded, it helped reinforce that he was safe, that his body was his own again.

He walked to the bathroom, stopping himself at the mirror on his dresser to contemplate his features. He took a quick but efficient shower just like the one he took before going to bed last night and he dressed himself in some light but colourful clothes to lift his mood. For the makeup, he decided to skip the black eyeliner today and go for something bolder and reaffirming. He pondered over his collection and decided that pink was the perfect combination between soft and bold. For the jewellery he choose something simpler, a couple of rings in each hand, a necklace and some clunky bracelets that made some sound as he moved his hands.

Before checking the whole look in the full-length mirror, he walked to his nightstand and picked the omamori charm that Alec gave him, deciding that some things should try to stay untouched by yesterday's events, if only for the sake of his own sanity. He tucked it into his left pocket, checked his reflection and decided that there was nothing else that he could do to make himself anymore ready for the rest of the day.

As Magnus left his room, his eyes set on the door of his guest bedroom. He walked in its direction and opened the door, confirming his suspicions that Alec had decided to go for the couch despite what Magnus had said. He didn't mind it and actually felt reassured by the fact that Alec was still able to be predictable to him - at least on the little things.

As he got closer to the kitchen he started to feel the faint smell of cold pancakes, solving the mystery of what had Alec been doing before he had left for work. He stopped and took in the scene, his kitchen table set with one plate and one set of kitchen supplies, filled with pancakes, some maple syrup on the side to pour as he pleased and a glass filled with what looked like naturally made orange juice. A small smile formed in his lips as he saw the note and read it, letting his eyes linger on those three little words above Alec's name. He realised now that he was hungrier than he had previously thought.

\------

It turns out Alec's plan wasn't panning out the way that he'd hoped. Actually, instead of being distracted by work it looked more like he was just distracted at work. At least that was what he could gather from Izzy's and Clary's expressions that were being directed at him.

"What?"

"Alec, did you listen to anything that we just said?" his sister's tone was poignant but not too harsh.

Clary put her hand on Izzy's shoulder, speaking in a softer voice like Alec wasn't there. "Maybe it's best to leave it for another day."

"No. Tell me, what is it?" he needed to focus on something, anything. He rubbed his eye with the sole of his hand to fight the sleepy feeling that was taking over. Apparently, now that he wasn't so worried, paying attention to every sound that could come from Magnus' room to make sure that he didn't need him, he had started to relax just enough for the sleep to enter his body. It seemed like an exhaustive battle but one that he had to win nonetheless.

"It's about Sebastian" said Clary, now in a louder, more assertive tone.

Alec sighed and tried to keep his hands busy.

"What about him?"

"We were thinking of having him registered in this Institute" said Izzy, her easy confidence now almost at full capacity, the colour of her cheeks back to normal. "He's not thinking of going back to London and he's already proved himself useful on a mission."

Alec wished it wasn't something so personal, wished that Sebastian hadn't helped with Izzy and Magnus because he knew that would be used to persuade him to accept him. However, that didn't make him any less suspicious of the new shadowhunter.

"I'll have to think about it" he said, quickly regretting having engaged in the conversation. He tried to walk away but Izzy stopped him, grabbing his arm.

"Why? Why can't you just appreciate his help and let him be?" said Izzy, a little bit of annoyance noticeable in her tone.

He quickly got free of her hold, turning in her direction and saying what he knew was going to start an argument that he didn't have the energy to have.

"Because I don't trust him" he said pointedly and turning away again, this time quicker so that his sister couldn't stop him.

"Why?" he heard, unfortunately from a closer distance than he would like. This time it was Clary, almost running to try and catch up with Alec's large steps. "Why don't you trust him? You saw him yesterday, without him we wouldn't have been able to catch Val.."

"That's enough" he said, turning on his heels to face her and make sure that she got the message. "You were right, it's best to leave this for another day" his tone was more tired than harsh but Clary nodded quickly in what he hopped was more understanding than shock at his tone. He turned away and walked to the training room, this time without being followed or stopped.

In the training room, he picked up his bow and arrows and started to practice, failing miserably due to how tired he was but not caring one bit, focusing on how the string felt against his index and middle finger, the body of the bow solid on his left hand.

He tried to let his mind escape, but just the thought of the name that Clary didn't quite finish to utter was enough to throw him of balance, only adding to his exhaustion in his incapability to shoot a straight arrow. He didn't realise that he was going to have such an averse reaction to it, hadn't let his mind wonder into the realms where all the insecurities that last night had brought to the surface laid, trying to focus mostly on Magnus and on making his pain more bearable.

It wasn't the time to feel sorry for himself or to dwell in all the things that he had done that were wrong on a level that he never thought they could be. Not to the point of feeling miserable anyway, because if he felt that way, he wouldn't be able to be there for Magnus. No, he had to try and focus. The only thing he should be getting out of yesterday's events is how to try and reverse all the harm that he had caused Magnus and not how he had momentarily opened up and cared for the wrong person. That was something that only time could cure, and maybe the possibility of seeing his plans fail for good. No, instead of feeling sorry for himself, he was going to use his energy (when he has any) to try and make this thing end once and for all.

\------

As soon as Magnus finished eating, he made sure that the kitchen was clean with a snap of his finger. He didn't want to exert himself too much but he didn't feel in the mood to do the dishes and he felt that that was as good of an excuse as any to use his magic without making himself too tired.

He wondered through his apartment, looking attentively at all his possessions that were concealed inside of it, looking for himself in them. Those things quickly brought memories attached to them, and he didn't feel particularly eager to go down memory lane, especially when some of them where now fresher than ever. So, he decided to look for himself somewhere else, not yet capable of facing those demons. For now, repression and denial seemed like the better options.

He walked into the library, fingers slowly dragging on the furniture, the wall, the books, anything that was at his reach. He looked at the spines of the books, reading the titles and deciding to take an old spell book, one of the firsts that he'd gotten, full of beginner’s magic that he had been eager to try when he was younger. He decided to not dwell on sentimentalisms too much, and opened it in the living room, immersing himself in what was once challenging.

It wasn't something that he need to do much now, look at books for simpler magic, but he found it relaxing to learn again how to levitate a cup or rearrange a drawer without much more than some hand weaving. It made him calm at it allowed him to play with his magic in a way that wasn't just a second thought or challenging in any way.

He quickly got tired however, not having slept much two nights in a row and without the ability to completely focus on the task at hand, his mind always wandering down dangerous paths. He decided to put down the book and turn on the tv, letting the sound fill the house and his mind and letting himself lay back on the couch, looking at the moving pictures in front of him but incapable of following the plot of whatever tv show or movie was on. It was, however, tiring, and so he decided to make an extra effort to at least register what the people were saying, in the hopes that would drive him off to sleep.

 

When he woke up hours later from a nightmare, his heart was pounding in his chest. He sat up quickly on the sofa and made some warm tea appear in front of him, using its warmth to ground him. It had been an awful nightmare, mostly a reliving of what he had endured at the Institute. However, this time Alec hadn't gotten there in time. He tried to calm himself down, taking slow breaths and letting the tears stream down his face. He hadn't allowed himself to cry since he had returned to his own body, mostly because of the shock of it all, but partly because he didn't want Alec there to comfort him. However, this time he was alone, no one to hold him and whisper reassuring words into his ears, no shock strong enough to stunt his emotions after a nightmare like that. He let himself cry, let the tears wash away the pain and tried to reassure himself with the idea that from this point on, things could only get better. That didn't quite have the desired effect, but he was willing to lie to himself until it was true.

Calmer now, still holding onto the warmth of his cup of tea, Magnus picked up some tissues that hadn't been there before and wiped his eyes. He picked up his phone and looked at the time. It was almost six, which was great, at least it meant that most of the day had already passed.

After drinking his tea, he got up and went looking into where he kept his potions for something that would let him have a dreamless sleep, cursing himself for not having thought of that earlier. He got something simple to eat just to make sure that he wouldn't be hungry in the middle of the night and walked into his bedroom before remembering Alec's note. He quickly wrote a text thanking the breakfast and telling him that he would be alright sleeping alone this time. He didn't wait for an answer, turning off his phone before taking his makeup off and getting ready to bed, hoping that he had enough potions for at least a week.

\------

The next few days passed much more smoothly, at least for Magnus. He didn't have any more nightmares and willed himself to get some work done, focusing first on the things that didn't require much effort. He met with Raphael in one of those days and despite earing in his tone that there was something worrying him, Raphael didn't talk about it, mostly wanting to make sure that Magnus was ok and asking if he wanted him to run some errands to pick up some ingredients for his potions. Magnus thanked him and accepted his help, afraid that he wouldn't have enough of the potions that helped him sleep better. He also had a chat with Dorothea over the phone when she realised what she had done. He tried to talk about anything except that, maintaining the conversation mostly to the realm of each other’s work.

He had also talked with Alec over the phone. He had sounded worried and tired, but mostly understanding and a bit eager to see him again. Magnus had decided that it would be better to spend some time apart. It was already hard to find himself again and pick himself up on his own, it would be even harder to figure out how he stood in relation to someone else, especially when that someone else had been involved in what had made him feel this way. It wasn't a break up, he was just letting time do its work. Besides they still kept some form of contact. Sometimes it was just a text from Alec saying that he hoped that Magnus was having a good day or an I love you. Alec had wondered whether Magnus actually appreciated those texts, and once over the phone Magnus had told him that he did in fact appreciate them even if sometimes he didn't felt like texting back. He had heard Alec's smile over the phone and just the fact that Alec felt happier in just knowing that his texts where being well received and that he wasn't stepping over any of Magnus' boundaries was enough for Magnus to feel lighter, even if just for a moment.

Five days had passed, and after Alec had asked whether Magnus had gotten out of the house lately, Magnus had decided that he felt comfortable enough to hang out with Alec again. He suggested a restaurant, somewhere nice and not too loud, but he let Alec decide the actual place, allowing him to feel useful and sparing himself the effort of making a decision.

And so that's where he stood now, in his room, making sure that he had chosen the right outfit and that his makeup was on point, waiting for Alec to show up on his door. He was a bit nervous, unsure of how he would feel once he saw Alec again, but telling himself that this was just like any other night where they had go on a date. Except he knew it wasn't. Soon he'd have to realise that he'll have to stop telling himself lies and face the truth of what had happened. But, if he wanted the night to pass without much trouble, that would have to wait, especially now that he heard what he assumed was Alec knocking on the door.

\------

The next few days had been bearable at best and exhausting at worst. Between keeping his eye on Sebastian, making sure that Izzy didn't relapse, the emotional effects that Jace finding out that he had blood relatives well and alive in the Institute had had on him through their parabatai bond and all his angst with Clary and the fact that the Institute was on the verge of having to rectify some of the Accords with the downworlders, Alec had more on his plate than he could count. When he wasn't working or checking up on his siblings, he was either in the training room keeping himself busy (because apparently that wasn't busy enough!) or worrying about Magnus.

The best days were those when he got to speak with Magnus on the phone. Just hearing the sound of his voice was enough to keep him going through the rest of the day. He tried to never burden Magnus with his problems despite how much he knew that it would help him to talk it out. Instead, he swallowed it all up and when Magnus asked him how his day was going he tried to keep it as vague as possible, most of the times just saying that it was, you know, the usual. He had once told him that he missed him, but he had quickly regretted it, not wanting Magnus to think that he was pressuring him to let Alec in more than what he already had.

So, he was surprised when Magnus asked him to have dinner together after Alec had asked if he had left the house much in the past couple of days. He didn't mean it to be an invitation or even a suggestion that they should go out, but since Magnus had asked he said yes with a smile on his lips, eager to see his boyfriend again.

Magnus had suggested somewhere quiet, but ultimately left the final decision to Alec. He didn't want to disappoint so he asked around the Institute if someone knew any good places. Ultimately, it was Clary that gave him the better suggestion, offering that maybe a Mundane restaurant could be a great idea, allowing them to escape the problems that came with the shadow world.

He asked Izzy to help him pick his outfit and decided on a black shirt and black pants. He didn't want it to feel like he was putting to much of an effort while also not looking like he wasn't even trying. Casual was the word that came to mind, but he felt anything but casual towards this dinner or the prospect of being with Magnus again.

Already in front of Magnus' apartment, he knocked on the door, took a step back and waited. When Magnus opened the door, he couldn't help but smile at the sight of his boyfriend. He was wearing dark pants as well and a bright cobalt shirt with the top buttons opened and necklaces against his bare chest like usual. Alec noticed that his makeup was lighter somehow, not really capable of pinpointing what was different specifically, but it didn't really matter. If anything, the time they had spent apart had make Magnus look even more handsome (something Alec wasn't actually sure could be possible). Not wanting to make Magnus uncomfortable, he tried not to stare much, keeping his gaze mostly focused on his face.

"Hi".

"Hi".

Magnus was smiling back, leaning slightly on the door. Unlike Alec, Magnus didn't seem to hold back as much, glancing over Alec's body longer than he thought he would. It wasn't necessarily sexual, mostly a testament of how they had missed each other, despite needing that time apart.

"You look good" Alec offered, almost shy, once Magnus had settled his eyes on his face, after a short silence.

"So, do you" Magnus said, almost distractedly. "Shall we?" he asked, gesturing towards the hallway outside of his apartment.

"Yes" he said, suddenly remembering that he had come here to actually go out on a date and not just to stare at Magnus through his door. "Yes, we should get going."

They walked side by side on the street with Alec leading the way.

"So, where are we going?" Magnus asked, mostly to fill the silence.

"It's just two more blocks" Alec said. "I'm not actually sure of what it is either. Clary suggested it, actually. She said it was a lovely place and that maybe it would be better to go to a Mundane restaurant. You know, less trouble" he said that last sentence in a quieter voice, regretting it immediately. However, Magnus didn't seem much affected by it.

"Great thinking" he said, brushing off Alec's last comment. "Let's hope that her taste in restaurants is actually any good. Did she mention what type of food they serve?" he asked, so casually, that Alec could almost forget that something terrible had happened less than a week ago.

"Italian, I think" Alec said. Not wanting the silence to last for long, he quickly came up with something else to talk about. "So, how's work? Have you gotten rid of that annoying client yet?" he asked, trying to keep the conversation light and focused on Magnus.

"Yes, finally..." he said, relived. "You can't even imagine, Alexander, how many times she told me that the potion wasn't right or what I needed to do to actually make it perfect..."

Alec looked in Magnus' direction, watching him talk and gesticulate to the air in front of him. He was avoiding Alec's gaze, he realised, so he decided to look forward and was happy to recognise the name of the restaurant that Clary had talked about.

"Here" he said, gesturing towards the restaurant's direction. He opened the door to let Magnus enter and walked right behind him. He repressed the urge to put his hand on Magnus' back, still unsure of what he could and couldn't do, so he decided to put his hands in the pockets of his jeans to keep himself in check and avoid ruining the night.

They were received by a waiter that took Alec's name and guided them towards their reserved table. Alec kept his eyes on Magnus, watching him as he looked around the restaurant. When Alec was seated in front of Magnus, he let himself relax a little, finally taking his eyes away from Magnus and enjoying the restaurant.

It was nice, the lights kept to a minimum, only enough to look at the food on the table and the person in front of them. Most of the tables were round and small, only enough for two people, a candle burning in the centre of the table. The environment left a warm feeling inside Alec, homey and elegant at the same time, somehow, a dark wood floor, red curtains and white towels and a soft yellow light that seemed to invite them to lean on the table and get as close as possible. He would have to thank Clary for the recommendation.

When he was done looking around and set his eyes on Magnus, he moved a little in his seat, his eyes moving from Alec's to the candle in front of them, like if he had been caught staring at an unrequited crush. It wasn't fear (or at least Alec hoped), but it seemed that even Magnus wasn't completely sure on how to behave in light of recent events. Alec wished he could make it all better, that he could take his hand and tell him that nothing had to change between the two of them, but he knew that he couldn't and he wasn't exactly the best liar.

"It's nice, isn't it?" Magnus said, his posture straight again, looking Alec in the eyes.

"Yes, yes it is" he said, letting a small smile curve his lips. "It's actually nicer than I thought, at least from Clary's description".

They started to look at their menu's and talked about the food, deciding to choose two different entries so that they could share. Magnus choose a red wine for the both of them, and Alec couldn't help but be content at their couple-y behaviour.

"How's everything with you, Alexander? You haven't talked much about what you've been up to?"

"You know, the usual" Alec said with a shrug.

"You don't have to pretend there's nothing going on in your life just because of what happened" Magnus said, eyes fixed on his hands. "I might not be able to help or do much but I am able to listen".

Alec moved in his chair, taken aback by the quick shift in the general mood. This was everything that he didn't want, and somehow, he was proving himself to be a terrible boyfriend once again.

"No, that's not..." he said quickly, trying to find the best words to deal with the situation. "I didn't mean to make you feel like that, I..." he paused, swallowing. "I just didn't want to burden you with my things when you already have so much to deal with" he said, his voice quieter at those last words. Now he was the one avoiding Magnus' gaze.

"I appreciate your concern, Alexander, I do" Magnus said, untangling his hands and setting them on each side of the plate, his gaze directed at Alec. "But I realise that keeping things from one another will only hurt us in the long run. I'm gonna be honest and admit that there are certain things that I'm not yet willing to discuss, but I don't think that should prevent us from being honest with each other. Not doing so will only lead to resentment between us, and that's far from what I want".

The waiter excused himself, bringing with him their meals as Alec was starting to feel the least hungry. When he left, Magnus started to pick up his knife and fork. Alec leaned on the table and tried to make his voice sound soft and calm.

"You're right" he said, his eyes following the movements of Magnus' hands, but quickly directed towards his face in an attempt to show that he was being truthful. "I'm sorry I wasn't honest and I promise I won't do it again. And for the sake of honesty, this is probably not going to be the last time where I do something thinking that I'm doing the right thing when I'm actually not. All I can ask is for you to be as patient as you're willing to be."

He had been able to put Magnus' smile back on his lips, his eyes softer and more relaxed.

"Lucky for you, patience is one of my greatest virtues" he said, almost teasingly. "Now, if I may ask again, what have you been up to?"

Alec picked up his knife and fork and let his shoulders drop, releasing the tension that he had been holding, focusing on the food in his plate.

"Well, apart from having to deal with Izzy's and Jace's trouble and work, I've been mostly keeping an eye on Sebastian."

"The new shadowhunter?"

"Yes. Clary and Izzy keep giving me looks and trying to make me see him as the next best thing at the Institute, but I can't help but not trust the guy."

"Anything in particular?"

"No, it's mostly just a feeling. Maybe I should just ignore it but..."

"No, I don't think so."

Alec let his eyes met Magnus', unaware of where the conversation was headed.

"What?"

"I don't think you should ignore it" Magnus tone was lower, a bit more serious.

"It's not like he's done anything wrong..." Alec said, not really sure why he was defending Sebastian now, curious of what Magnus was going to say.

Magnus hesitated a little bit, but decided that since they were now talking about it he might as well let himself say what he really thinks. After all, he had asked Alec to be honest with him.

"I think you should learn to trust your instincts more."

"How so?" Alec was afraid that the conversation might lead to something else, but made an effort to seem open to what Magnus had to say.

"Look, I know you're a shadowhunter and I know that shadowhunters like to do things by the book. The problem with this is that sometimes things aren't black and white, and sometimes there's simply no time to reach for the book. A good leader should have good instincts, and should be able to detect that something's wrong while he still can act on it."

Alec realised that Magnus wasn't being that specific, but he couldn't help to remember a situation where that advice would have come in handy.

"I must admit, that is not something that they teach at the Shadowhunter Academy" he said, trying to keep the conversation a bit lighter.

"Maybe they should" Magnus said, the corner of his lips forming a half-smile, more teasing than criticising.

"Maybe..." he paused a little. "I'll keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't do anything wrong" he said with a new-found resolve.

"Good. Apart from that, how's Izzy?" Magnus asked, not wanting to dwell anymore on that topic.

The rest of the night was spent in much lighter conversation. They talked about Izzy and Jace, but quickly started to talk about things other than Alec's siblings, mostly just the type of light banter that they had kept during their first dates. It felt a little weird, almost like they were rediscovering themselves and how they stood in their relationship, though it wasn't an unwelcome feeling, just something that Alec never thought he would have to do.

When they finished eating, Alec insisted on paying for both of their meals and Magnus didn't put much of a fight. They walked outside and let the cool air of the night pass through them, enjoying it. They hadn't drink much, but the conversation had them smiling and grinning for most of the night, leaving both of them with a warm feeling that transcended the warmth of the restaurant.

Alec offered to walk Magnus back to his apartment but Magnus wasn't ready to go back home yet. Instead they walked around for a while, taking a longer way home, not one bit of rush to go separate ways in their bodies. They walked mostly in silence, finally able to enjoy each other’s company without the need to fill it with nervous words.

Once they got to Magnus' door, they both stopped, looking at each other. Magnus hadn't thought of inventing Alec inside, but he was feeling braver now, more confident and he was happy that he hadn't drink much, that he couldn't put the blame of this feeling on alcohol. He looked at Alec, his hand in his pocket, ready for whatever decision Magnus was going to make. He had to admit, he wasn't actually expecting Alec to prove himself so patient; he knew he was kind, forever trying to do his best, but he also knew how frustrated he could get when there was nothing that he could do to mend a situation, sometimes throwing himself into unnecessary trouble because of it. And yet, despite Magnus noticing Alec's hands slightly hovering but always ending up tucked in his pockets, he was still surprised that his frustration hadn't been noticeable in his tone or actions, always with a slightly relaxed but alert posture, moving and adapting according to what he thought Magnus wanted (despite not always being right about that). Once again, Alec showed his capability to surprise Magnus, something that he should start to get more used to, but actually had no interest in doing so.

"I guess this is my stop" Magnus said calmly. "Would you like to come in?" he asked while opening the door.

Alec's eyebrows shot to his forehead in surprise, but he quickly tried to smooth the expression on his face, only keeping his smile.

"Yes, sure, I would love that" he said, maybe a bit too eagerly. He lowered his voice and extended his hand, mere inches from Magnus' arm. "Magnus..." he said, waiting for him to turn around, his hand still in the air, lower now.

"Yes, Alexander?" he said, his voice lower as well, his gaze between Alec's eyes and his extended hand.

"Are you sure? Because I can..."

"Yes, I'm sure" he said, confident that he wanted them to be in a more intimate setting. To prove it - probably to the both of them -, he took Alec's hand, now almost resting alongside his torso, and guided him to the inside of his home.

Alec closed the door behind him, and Magnus, simultaneously more nervous and relaxed than he had expected (relaxed because of how he didn't feel the need to untangle his hand from Alec's, nervous with the expectation of what he was going to do next), turned around and moved Alec slowly until he had his back against the door, their bodies separated by the air between them, Magnus' hands set on Alec's arms enforcing that distance, his arms bent at the elbow. He stared at Alec's chest and felt the solid of his arms underneath his fingers. His gaze went up, lingering for just a millisecond on Alec's lips but quickly reaching his eyes. He could see that Alec was slightly nervous... expectant was the right word. Somehow, he liked that Alec hadn't also envision their night to end like this and, for the first time, Magnus realised that this was brand new territory for the both of them. Their dynamic was shifting; Magnus had always been the one waiting for Alec to take the first step, to take the initiative, and he was sometimes eager to do so. Magnus hadn't mind, knowing how inexperienced Alec was, and so he was surprised to admit that he hadn't thought about how he would feel when he was the one to take the initiative, not because Alec wanted to and couldn't do it, but because Magnus desperately needed to do so.

"This is different..." Magnus said "new..."

"Yes..." Alec said, letting out a shaky breath, his head slightly lowered. "I don't mind it" he said, his voice low and quiet, making sure that Magnus knew what his body language might not be conveying that well.

"It's amazing how we really haven't had much time for this, you know... take things slowly" Magnus said, his hands going up to rest on Alec's shoulders, their bodies slightly closer now, but not yet touching. "We're always in a rush, problems left and right, constantly being interrupted..." he moved his head while talking, his gaze either on Alec's face or his own hands. Alec kept his hands flat against the door, not letting himself do anything that would ruin the moment. "I feel the need to warn you, Alexander, we're not gonna..."

"I know" Alec said, quickly, not wanting Magnus to think that he had any hopes for anything physical. For all he knew this was already much more than what he had even dreamed of happening, only going so far as a peck on the lips to say goodbye. "You don't have to worry about me. As long as you're okay, I'm okay..." he said, trying to sound much more relaxed than he was.

"Happy to hear that" Magnus said, a smile on his lips. "If I may..." he said, his head tilting slightly upwards.

Alec moved his head so that Magnus could have an easy access to his lips, letting Magnus do things at his own pace, allowing him to back away if he wanted to.

Their lips were barely touching for a second, just enough to be aware of the other’s presence, but then Magnus decided that he wanted to put more pressure on the kiss. Their lips moved slowly, Magnus taking the lead, but it didn’t last for long, Magnus not wanting it to turn into a full make out session. It was a chaste kiss, not enough to make up for their time apart, but enough for Magnus to test the waters and be more sure of himself.

They both kept their gaze in each other’s lips, opening their eyes slowly, enjoying the moment. Magnus looked up first, and let his hand reach for Alec's again to guide him to the living room. Alec seemed a little stunted and flustered by all that, the moment highly intimate, Alec allowing Magnus to do with him as he pleased, trusting him more than he did himself. Magnus couldn't help but be a little proud of himself and of the fact that it was that easy for Alec to be affected by him.

He guided Alec towards the sofa, letting his hand fall from his while they were walking. They sat there, their legs almost touching, in an almost too similar way than they had five days ago. Except this time, he wasn't feeling so raw and emotional, this time Alec wasn't feeling as lost as he was, unaware of what to do to help and unable to figure it out on his own. This time they both felt more centred, this time Alec was as willing to catch Magnus as he was able and this time Magnus actually felt comfortable relying on him.

Magnus wished he didn't have to do this. He was feeling happier now than he had felt in the past five days, but he knew that his bravery might not last for long.

"I'm not going to talk about my past, at least not for now" he said bluntly, trying to skip the hardest part as quickly as he could, catching Alec's attention. "I'm not ready yet and I can't promise you when I'll be. It's best for now to keep that door closed" he said, not leaving much space for a discussion. Alec nodded, his eyes focused on Magnus, not wanting to interrupt him. "However, I do think it's important to talk about what happened, even though none of us want to."

"If you want to, we can talk about it later" Alec said quietly, not wanting to discourage Magnus but at the same time not wanting him to do more than what he was capable of.

Magnus' lips curved in a half smile. "I appreciate your concern, but I think it's for the best. We already waited long enough."

Alec was looking at his hands, his elbows leaning on his shoulders, his posture more tense. "Well, I... I'm sorry Magnus. Truly, for everything, for not being able to..."

"I know that, Alexander, and I'm not looking for you to blame yourself. I'm aware of the circumstances and how much of a tough decision it must have been for you to make. However, that doesn't invalidate how I felt, neither the fact that you didn't know nor that you feel guilty about it. It also doesn't erase how lonely I felt, without anyone to trust or help me; how powerless I was without my magic, nothing I could do to control my fate. It's something that we'll both need to be able to comprehend to keep moving forward and I wouldn't be here next to you if I didn't think that it was worth it" he said, feeling quite emotional and raw again, but the need to open up pushing him forward. He had to be sure that Alec could understand that, otherwise there wasn't much that could be done.

Alec nodded again, tears prickling at his eyes. He swallowed and tried to focus; he didn't want Magnus to see him cry, not because he was afraid of being vulnerable, but because he wanted to leave space for Magnus to be. This was about him, after all, about how he felt, and even though it had had repercussions in their relationship, it didn't mean that Alec was entitled to anything.

"You're right" he said, trying to keep his voice calm. "And I want you to be honest with me, or at least as honest as you want. I don't want you to hold back because of how I might feel, not if you need to talk about it" he forces his gaze out of his hands and into Magnus' eyes. "And I want you to know that I'll be here for you, that I want to be here for you and that I'll do anything, anything to make sure that you never get to feel that way again" he said, moving slightly closer to him. "I love you, Magnus. So, whatever you want, whatever you need... I'll be here."

Magnus smiled at those words, a tear falling from his eyes, happy that they finally seemed to be on the same level emotionally, the both of them able to talk about their feelings without the other having to feel guilty about it. His chest felt lighter, and somehow it seemed like the hardest part was already taken care of. He knew this wasn't necessarily true, but he let himself be fooled by this ray of hope. He scooted closer to Alec, holding his hands, their foreheads pressed together. He noticed the movement of Alec's hand, reaching for his head, and he nodded slightly, letting him know that it was okay. He put his hand in the back of his head for support, gentle, his thumb rubbing small circles, and he moved a little bit back to kiss Magnus' forehead, holding him there for one moment, his eyes closed trying to convey his emotions as best as he could. He kissed his eyelids as well, not wanting to wipe away is tears but feeling the need to do something about it, the faint taste of makeup on his lips. Magnus moved slightly and Alec lets his hand fall from the back of his head into their laps. He put his feet up on the couch and moved to lean on Alec's side, one of their hands still together. Alec moved to allow Magnus to rest more comfortably and kept his other hand around his shoulders.

"I love you, Alexander" Magnus said, his voice still affected by the crying, his head laying on Alec's shoulder.

They didn't speak about much else that night, both of them exhausted but content by the progress that they had already made. They knew that this was just the beginning, that there was still stuff to talk about regarding all of this, but they needed to take it slowly. There was no need to rush things. So they took their time, enjoying each other’s company in what seemed like a moment frozen in time, just the two of them. They were also aware that the both of them would have to face challenges just like this one (but hopefully not actually like this one), in the future. However, they knew they had each other and that, despite everything and everyone else, their love was worth fighting for.

**Author's Note:**

> Check my tumblr [here](https://saltyaleclightwood.tumblr.com/) :)


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